I had a great therapy session where I was talking about something seemingly banal and then, boom, I discovered a shocking belief about myself that was inaccurate but on a subconscious level was really destructive.
That is how I often experience therapy. I can have a few sessions where I seem to be skimming the surface and then I suddenly stumble and fall headlong into a deep truth about myself that I had been in denial about or had just plain missed.
I was talking about validation with my therapist and then it struck me like a ton of bricks. Well, a ton of sad bricks to be precise, because I realized that from an early age I had a need to prove that I was a good person.
Having ADHD I was frequently sent out of class. I had difficulty keeping still and was easily excited. I would often leave my chair and act impulsively. The little motor in my mind didn’t know how to slow down. Often I’d find myself outside and alone with my mind. I began to identify myself as naughty.
I hated being sent out of class. I loved the thrill of being around other kids.
My self-esteem was such that on a deep level I believed that there was something inherently bad about myself and that I was actually insecure as to whether I was a good person or not. It made me cry in fact, this realization. I saw myself as that little boy, being thrown out of class or coming home to a emotionally absent father and determining that there was something morally wrong, something essentially rotten inside me. I needed to get attention and because I was louder and a little crazier from a brain that was dysfunctional, I was punished instead. I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved just as I am. I believed that I was broken inside.
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